If You Only Knew
by Munchkincat
Summary: Susan’s, Rachel’s Elizabeth’s and Mark’s thoughts after “It’s All In Your Head.” Each one of them is devastated by their own thoughts. If they only knew what the other was thinking…
1. Susan's Thoughts

** Disclaimer: "ER" is property of Warner Brothers Television, NBC, and all respective producers and cast. I have written this story for fanfiction and nothing else. I am not making a profit from this. This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment. **

Spoilers: All the episodes up until "It's All in Your Head"

Rating: PG-13 for strong language

Summary: Susan's, Rachel's Elizabeth's and Mark's thoughts after "It's All In Your Head." Each one of them are devastated by their own thoughts. If they only knew what the other was thinking…

Acknowledgment: I'd like to thank Lori (SixteenOzs)! Her thoughts have sparked my own thoughts and ideas. Thank you so much Lori!! J

**_If You Only Knew _**

****

**Susan's Thoughts **

I arrived at work today in a daze. How am I supposed to work knowing that my friend has just 4 months to live? Damn it! Hasn't life punished Mark enough? It's not enough that he's gone though a divorce, a severe beating, and the death of both his parents, he has to be diagnosed with cancer. 

When I came back here, I saw a Mark Greene I've never seen before; a truly happy Mark Greene. Married to Elizabeth , the woman to whom he has devoted his heart and soul to, I saw the true happiness he deserved. Having endured a craniotomy, he got married, and he and Elizabeth have Ella. He was happy. His had finally found joy. And now… the cancer is back. 

I wish he would tell Elizabeth and Rachel. Every time I see Elizabeth , I want to blurt out, "Mark's tumor is back." But of course, that would only make matters a hundred times worse. It has to come from Mark. Mark _has to tell Elizabeth! There he is, treating a patient in Exam 3. The little boy finally stopped bawling thanks him. Of course, for Mark Greene, that's just another day at the office. He works miracles every day, but when he needs us the most, there's not a damn thing we can do! _

Mark, why won't you tell Elizabeth and Rachel?! Elizabeth thinks that he doesn't care for Ella, but the truth of the matter is, is he's hiding this deep, dark secret no one else knows. Heck, if he hadn't had that focal seizure in front of me, he might have gone through all this completely alone. He's trying to protect his wife and daughter. I just know it! He's trying to pretend that everything is normal. He's the only one I know who would resume work after enduing Gamma Knife treatment. Hell, he's the only one I know who's gone through Gamma Knife period.

I'm glad I was there for him that night. I don't care if Carter has gotten the wrong impression. I can't believe Carter won't shut up about that. Does he actually think I'd sleep with Mark? That Mark would cheat on his wife?! Of course, it did look pretty suspicious, my staying at Mark's, but the fact that Carter doesn't trust me really says something about our relationship; or lack thereof.

Oh look, Kerry is chewing Mark out on coming in late. Kerry, if you only knew _why Mark overslept. I mean, wouldn't __you oversleep after having thousands of radiation waves zapped into your brain?! So he's late. Big deal! Did you take notice that he just saved a patient from going into V-fib this morning? Oh, no! You only look at the slight things he's messed up on._

Once Kerry and Carter find out the truth, boy are they going to squirm. They've been treating Mark like trash, and Mark just takes it. Ever since Mark told me about the recurrence, I've been noticing a lot more. How _so many of Mark's friends take Mark's friendship for granted. Kerry and Carter have turned their backs on Mark. After they've betrayed his trust, they come back to him for help acting as if nothing had happened. They just assume he would be there for them; not matter what they've done to him. They've forgotten that trust is not something they're entitled to. Kerry and Carter don't deserve such a caring, compassionate colleague like Mark. Mark doesn't deserve "friends" like Kerry or Carter._

If only everyone knew. Everything would change. Maybe that's why Mark doesn't want to tell anyone… 


	2. Rachel's Thoughts

** Disclaimer: "ER" is property of Warner Brothers Television, NBC, and all respective producers and cast. I have written this story for fanfiction and nothing else. I am not making a profit from this. This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment. **

Spoilers: All the episodes up until "It's All in Your Head"

Rating: PG-13 for strong language

Summary: Susan's, Rachel's Elizabeth's and Mark's thoughts after "It's All In Your Head." Each one of them are devastated by their own thoughts. If they only knew what the other was thinking…

Acknowledgment: I'd like to thank Lori (SixteenOzs)! Her thoughts have sparked my own thoughts and ideas. Thank you so much Lori!! J

**_If You Only Knew_**

****

**Rachel's Thoughts **

I wish I could take back everything I've done. I'm such an idiot! Why did I take the Ecstasy?! I've apologized to Dad thousands of times, but that is not going to change the past. Ella could have died because of me. I put my _own baby sister's life in danger. I may have even caused her brain damage. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful dad? Anyone else would have kicked me out of the house, and I can't say that I disagree. But Dad knows that I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean for __any of this to happen. He's hurting inside. I know it. I see it every time he stares out in space, just sitting in the living room all by himself. I see it every time he pauses before he walks into his room. He misses Elizabeth ... terribly. And it's all my fault!_

I wish there was something I could do to apologize to Elizabeth. But there's nothing I can do or say to make things any easier. _I didn't mean for this to happen! I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I can't believe what a jerk I have been. I should have listened to Dad to start with. If I had known it would come down to this, I never would have even talked to Andrew. There's a mountain of crumpled up papers in my closet. All of them are my trying to write an apology to Elizabeth . I've stopped for now. What do you say to someone when you've almost killed her daughter?_

Dad doesn't know this, but late at night, I cry. I can't sleep. I can't move. I just keep reminding myself over and over, "All of this is my fault." I try to look cheerful when Dad is around. Maybe some of that will rub off on him. Of course, who am I kidding? He's noticed my red eyes a couple of times, but I just tell him I'm tired. Yeah, some days are better than other, but every once in a while, I cry myself to sleep.


	3. Elizabeth's Thoughts

** Disclaimer: "ER" is property of Warner Brothers Television, NBC, and all respective producers and cast. I have written this story for fanfiction and nothing else. I am not making a profit from this. This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment. **

Spoilers: All the episodes up until "It's All in Your Head"

Rating: PG-13 for strong language

Summary: Susan's, Rachel's Elizabeth's and Mark's thoughts after "It's All In Your Head." Each one of them are devastated by their own thoughts. If they only knew what the other was thinking…

Acknowledgment: I'd like to thank Lori (SixteenOzs)! Her thoughts have sparked my own thoughts and ideas. Thank you so much Lori!! J

**_If You Only Knew _**

**Elizabeth ****'s Thoughts **

Ella, I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one in this entire world who loves you. I thought your Daddy loved you, but now I'm beginning to think that I was wrong, and that scares me. How could Mark do this to us? To you? If he had come down hard on Rachel the first time, maybe none of this would have happened. I'm so torn right now. A part of me wants to blame Mark, and the other half of me is saying "How dare you blame your husband! You think he wanted this to happen?" But if Mark really loves Ella, why won't he just send Rachel back to St. Louis? 

My husband doesn't seem to be the same Mark I fell in love with. He's changed so much since we married. It's like he doesn't even care about his family. How could Mark miss Ella's appointments? And to leave me watching over Ella while he treated patients downstairs?! His daughter was fighting for her life, and he was downstairs... at work. He just seems so distant now, it's like he's a whole different person. Mark Greene doesn't care about his family. I can say this in my head, but I can't say it out loud. I've even tried to say it out loud in the hotel, when it's just Ella and me, but even then, my mouth just can't form the words. It's like a part of me just won't believe it. For some reason, a part of me still refuses to believe that Mark doesn't care about his family. Maybe I'm in denial. 

Mark's been begging me to come back home, but I can't. Not with Rachel there… and maybe not even if Rachel leaves the house. God, I'm scared.


	4. Mark's Thoughts

** Disclaimer: "ER" is property of Warner Brothers Television, NBC, and all respective producers and cast. I have written this story for fanfiction and nothing else. I am not making a profit from this. This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment. **

Spoilers: All the episodes up until "It's All in Your Head"

Rating: PG-13 for strong language

Summary: Susan's, Rachel's Elizabeth's and Mark's thoughts after "It's All In Your Head." Each one of them are devastated by their own thoughts. If they only knew what the other was thinking…

Acknowledgment: I'd like to thank Lori (SixteenOzs)! Her thoughts have sparked my own thoughts and ideas. Thank you so much Lori!! J

**_If You Only Knew _**

**Mark's Thoughts **

It's getting harder and harder to enter our room, Elizabeth. Did you know that? Every time I come home, every time I enter our room, I know you're not going to be there. I lay awake at night, running my hand over your side of the bed. The sheets feel like ice without you. I miss you, Elizabeth. I need you. Ella needs me. Please come home.

I know you want me to send Rachel back to Jenn, but I can't do that. I love Rachel. Rachel is my daughter, and I need to take care of her, even when things go horribly wrong. If I send Rachel away, she will think she is like an object; being passed from one parent to the other when one of us gets sick of her. I'm _not about to send her that message. I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I'm sorry for everything; for causing you all this pain; for not listening to you when you told me that Rachel needs more discipline. I wish I could just sit down and talk with you; without raising our voices. _

_Augh! Damn it! Another one of these headaches… _

Mark gets up from the desk he is working at and walks tensely to the Doctor's Lounge. He opens his locker, hiding his face in it while quickly reaching for a medicine bottle.

"Hello, Dr. Greene."

Mark turns around and sees Luka. He quickly shuts his locker before he can get a hold of the bottle, and walks slowly out of the lounge. Luka proceeds to his locker, not noticing anything is wrong.

"Hey, Luka."

Mark walks into the men's room and into one of the stalls to wait the headache out. The pain lasts for several minutes before Mark has the strength to stand up and walk out. He first fills out some charts, then stops writing and just stares at the chart on the desk.

Susan has been imploring me to tell Elizabeth and Rachel about the recurrence, but what good would it do? It'll only make things worse. Everything changes when someone knows you have Cancer. You're no longer a person. You're just the poor old bastard who fell victim to Cancer. I've seen it before, and I don't ever want to see it again. 

Even if Elizabeth and I resolve things, I would hesitate to tell her. I've already caused her enough pain the first time around, not to mention all that has been happening lately. She's been with me when I was first diagnosed with the GBM; isn't that hard enough? I love Elizabeth. She didn't have to be with me when I was in surgery, but she was there. She's always been there for me, and I want to always be there for her. But I'm not going to be. I'm no going to be there for Elizabeth or Rachel. I won't be with Elizabeth or Rachel this Christmas. I won't be there for Elizabeth when she needs someone to talk to when she has a bad day at work. I won't be there to laugh or have snowball fights with her . I won't be there for Rachel when she graduates high school. I won't be there for her when she graduates college. I won't be able to walk her down the aisle and hand her off to the one she's devoted her heart and soul to. 

Sometimes I've been careless and Rachel catches me staring at her. I try to sound casual, and busy myself with making dinner, but I can't help but to watch my daughter, knowing that in 4 months, I will never see her again. When you know you have just a few days to live, you tend to do that. I'm so lucky to have two of the most beautiful daughters in the world, and a wife who I fall deeper and deeper in love with every day.

I'm afraid to even mention this, but maybe it's just easier if Elizabeth and Rachel didn't know about the recurrence until I died. Because if they knew what I knew, they would go through the same torturous thoughts I'm going through now; and I wouldn't wish that on _anyone. If they didn't know, it would save them so much pain. Maybe that's the only thing I have control of right now; how much I can soften the agonizing blows to my wife and daughter. _


End file.
